Rusty House dons the dainty Scandinavian raiments of "Shanghaied's" Mama Olsen for the Astoria Bicentennial Revue and Jane Barnes Cat Dance. Submitted photo.

You may be wondering: Just what is a Jane Barnes Cat Dance?

Let’s start with Jane Barnes. History has it she was the first lady of European descent to set foot in the Oregon Country, although “lady” may not be the proper descriptor, as Jane’s stay, it seems, was rampant with scandal.

The story goes like this: A certain gentleman named Donald McTavish, who spent considerable time in a tavern in Portsmouth, England, there met a certain Miss Jane Barnes. So struck was he with her beauty, McTavish asked her to join him on his next voyage and, as it has been described, in a “temporary fit of erratic enthusiasm,” she acquiesced.

Wait, it gets better. A young fellow conducting business with McTavish, a certain Alexander Henry, was likewise taken with Jane and accompanied them on the trip. Thirteen months later, in April 1814, they arrived at what would become Astoria one day, Fort George. But our fair “lady” was now on the arm of Mr. Henry! A married man … with children! He described the affair in his journal as “strictly business.” But alas, both Henry and McTavish met their end when their canoe capsized while crossing the Columbia River.

In the absence of these fated gentlemen, there followed a parade of suitors vying for Miss Barnes’ affection: amorous fur-traders, even Dr. Swan, the post’s physician. But one unlikely suitor was to cause uproar none other than Cassakas, a son of the Chinook tribal leader Comcomly. History tells us he offered Jane the queenly sum of 100 sea otter skins, a life of leisure and top position among his other wives. However, Jane was not enticed by his most generous offer.

The rejection caused a diplomatic stir, making Jane’s further residence at the fort a liability, so she packed up and left for … China! There, ever the desired woman, she met a wealthy Englishman apparently more to her liking. Sadly, after that, not much more is known of Jane other than legend, so we’ll move on to the “Cat Dance” part of the story.

The Astoria Downtown Historic District Association is sponsoring a special April Fools fundraising event called “The Astoria Bicentennial Revue and Jane Barnes Cat Dance.” The evening begins with a “topsy-turvy” fashion show hosted by “Doogie McTavish” (Dulcye Taylor, vice-president of ADHDA) and “Mama Olsen” (Rusty House of “Shanghaied in Astoria” fame). This tasteful presentation will feature fine clothing from local establishments modeled by some of Astoria’s most prominent gentlemen leaders and business owners, including Brett Estes from the City of Astoria, Andy Bornstein of Bornstein Seafood, Jack Harris of Fort George Public House and Brewery, Skip Hauke of the Astoria-Warrenton Area Chamber of Commerce and Chef Chris Holen of Baked Alaska. Business sponsors who have helped to beautify the models include Totally Trixie’s, Four Seasons Clothing, Victorian Lace, Finn Ware, Déjà Vu, Nepal Exchange, Garbo’s, Exclusive Salon, Salon Boheme and Salon Verve, along with the costume styling of ASOC costumer Terrie MacDonald.

Following the fashion show comes the opportunity for any enthusiastic partner to dance with one of the evening’s most desirable Jane Barnes “ladies,” who will, of course, will be available for a nominal fee all to your favorite local rock-and-roll standards as rendered by The Pagan Pancakes. ASOC’s Miss Vivian Saloon will be open all night, so this is a 21-and-older event.

Why’s it called a “cat dance?” “Well, it is cool cats’ who are strutting their stuff,” explained ASOC?Publicity Director Judith Niland. “And we will have an actual fashion runway a catwalk’ right down the center of the room!”

Remember, this is all in good fun, and as Jane and her suitors showed early on, Astorians are always up for a good time. Guests are encouraged to “dress” appropriately.