<p>Danish Maid Bakery has an 8-track player.</p>

Contention: Astoria is the number-one Oregon coast destination for Portland residents, in part because it is turning into a miniaturized parallel Portland universe. Proof: We have Cargo, they have mini-Cargo. We have the Ace Hotel, they have the Commodore … Saturday Market? Yeah they got that too, along with at least one microbrewery and at least one sketchy strip club. And so on.

Portland Mercury, Oct. 15, 2012

Correction on the contention: Astoria is the No. 1 Oregon Coast destination for Portland hipsters.

Since I moved to Astoria last fall, I have seen hundreds and hundreds of hipsters sashaying the streets with their canes, moccasins, Walkmans, umbrellas, piercings and other accouterments. In Newport, where I previously lived for six years I never saw a single one! Obviously the word is out.

Ive talked with many of the hipsters, and dig their dispositions. They clearly love Astoria, generally dont care about Lewis and Clark, salmon or visiting the Astoria Column, and spend a lot of money here.

I suppose the only thing that concerns me is that I always encounter them in the same establishments, which are very cool indeed, but certainly not the whole story. By limiting themselves exclusively to the restaurants, shops and bars written about ad nauseam by outsiders, I believe vacationing hipsters are missing out on a richer Astoria hipster experience. All they need to achieve more authenticity and enlightenment is follow the eight-fold retro path Ive bushwhacked. It will guide them down the Astoria hipster road not yet taken, and no, it doesnt include the strip club.

I am not a hipster, but let me present my bona fides to compile an Insiders Guide to Hipster Astoria: 1) I actually live in Astoria; 2) I drink Hamms; 3) I type letters on a typewriter; 4) I use a rotary phone; 5) I buy only old new music on cassette; 6) I wear more corduroy than anyone in the Pacific Northwest; 7) I play tennis with a wooden racket; 8) I recently purchased a pair of 40-year old Hush Puppies; 9) I take photographs with a Polaroid Land camera; 10) I read Richard Brautigan. 11) I have four tattoos; 12) I own 17 Western snap-up shirts; 13) I miss Jimmy Carter as president; 14) I like the movie Point Break; 15) I shave once every three weeks; 16) #Astoriahipster

As you can see, my credentials are unassailable, so let us begin but first, a brief introduction into the mind and practice of the hipster before unveiling the path.

Hipsters are fascinated with the cultural past and seek out hands-on engagement with it that far transcends mere study and appreciation. For example, they might wear suspenders, sport muttonchops or smoke a corncob pipe; they might play vinyl records, join a croquet league or drink an old fashioned in an old man lounge; they might crochet, churn butter or host a Gilligans Island marathon. Many hipsters also perform the art of power clashing artifacts, styles and traditions from different historical eras (e.g. marijuana Bundt cakes, an ascot paired with a fringe jacket, a Viewmaster biblical reel festival accompanied with Jell-O shots).

Whatever the type and intensity of engagement for the hipster, a purposeful and public display of said engagement (naturally and organically documented by social media) makes their fascination resonate all the more. Is there any better place in the country to energetically engage the past than Astoria, the oldest city west of the Rockies? In many locales around town, its practically a vortex of retro but without any affectation whatsoever. I mean, Astoria is probably the last place in the country with paperboys delivering an afternoon edition of a newspaper on foot!

A warning: There is always the potential for hipsters visiting Astoria to drown in unintended or shrewdly calculated irony. It doesnt have to be that way if they simply follow my Retro Astoria Eight-fold Path, live in the moment, and inconspicuously Instagram every minute of the journey with #astoriahipster

Gimres Shoe Store

Try on shoes in this family-owned shoe store thats been in business since 1892. Talk to an adult shoe clerk who actually knows something about shoes. Buy a pair of Hush Puppies. Cruise the riverfront in them. #realcustomerservice

Lower Columbia Bowl

Its a bowling alley. That says it all. #inthegutter

JC Penney

Buy a pair of skinny jeans for $9.99 or a frumpy blouse for $5.99 in a real department store in rural America with stairs leading to a basement full of merchandise. #nomoremalls

The Chart Room

Enter this windowless, throwback nautical bar, meet the salty locals, some of whom will entertainingly suggest a tourist leave or be surfing their phones for mail-order Ukrainian brides. #davidlynchfilm

Danish Maid Bakery and Coffee Shop

Sit in a booth and wash down a 50-cent donut (no bacon or cough syrup ingredients) with a 90-cent cup of drip coffee in a (banned-in-Portland) Styrofoam cup. Theyve got a stereo with an 8-track player, too. Visit at 4 a.m. when it opens. Bring Bob Seger tape and ask management to play it. #lattefreezone

Telephone booths

Make a long-distance call to your grandparents from a telephone booth. Look up directions on how to do so on your smartphone. #8675309

Custard King Drive-In

Order a malt or milkshake concocted from ancient machines served by employees working in a tiny purple cinderblock building with no indoor customer seating because its, well, a drive in. By the way, Custard King also has a vintage model train to observe while you wait. #Imissdwighteisenhower

Paramount Drug Company

Shop for figurines, Christmas decorations and post cards while getting your prescription filled by a Jimmy Stewart druggist who doesnt work for a mega-corporate pharmacy chain. #livingsnowglobe

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Matt Love is an author and frequent contributor to Coast Weekend. His books are available at coastal bookstores or at www.nestuccaspitpress.com